The bruises were bad this time. They had been bad other times, usually in places I could cover easily; shoulders, back stomach, arms, legs. Hidden by a sweater, a pair of jeans, a thrown away tripped down the stairs, a noncommittal shrug “clumsy”. These were different, these were bad. Purple and blue blended with puffy green and yellow, from swollen eyelid to chin and brushing the matching blotches that ran from shoulder to the skin under my turtleneck, gashes of pinky flesh flanking my cheekbones (he wore his ring), a knot oddly the shape of Greenland above my right temple. Even after wiping off the blood that had been caught trickling down my eye, and after pouring concealer across my face, it was clear there was no way to diminish it's garishness, much less cover it up, despite what it might say, on the advertisements. Thanks A Lot, CoverGirl.
So I did my best to sweep my hair over the right side of my face, gave myself a half-hearted smile and headed out of the door.
This is from another idea. I know there are a bunch of run-on sentences. I tried to write it like someone would have spoken it looking at themselves and discribing what they saw in the mirror. Did it work? What felling do you think the character is going through? Is it too messy? Any other comments on anything?
Thanks,
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I feel its a little bit messy.. Its like cramming up plenty of thought in one paragraph..But that is just my personal thought.. But i liked the way you describe the stuffs..
ReplyDeleteI think I would go with smaller thoughts for an internal monologue of this sort. The character is obviously distressed and, to my mind, that means not thinking clearly or not thinking full thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWhat hung me up in the description was "...gashes of pinky flesh...". This makes me think that her face is torn (gashes) but his hand was torn up and left skin behind (pinky = finger). The opposing images seemed awkward, a second reading was required for me to understand the intent of that sentence.
A short paragraph is nice but context is needed to truly judge it. What is the intent of the piece? Is it meant to establish an abusive relationship? If so, why not describe it more subtly? (Such as putting the protagonist in a situation where she is making her excuses, such as being clumsy.) Do the explanations need to be this explicit?
Despite my criticisms, I love that you are exploring this aspect of society. It's ugly and horrid and terrible to think of but it exists and deserves to be exposed. I firmly believe that we all need to face uncomfortable things in order to grow, even if they occasionally break our hearts.
Thanks for both your comments! I don't know how I;d check myself without them.
ReplyDeleteMyth, you bring up a really good point. Because this was an entrance paragraph, nither of you have any backstory or context for this passage. I intended the paragraph to introduce an abusive relationship between a teen and her legal guardian. Since she has grown up with frequent episodes of abuse, she has learned to distance herself from them emotionally, by becoming almost dispondant. I imagine the character reacting much like a trauma doctor would at the scene of a horrible accident; almost mechanical, because they are used to seeing the worst.
I agree that I need to fix the "gashes of pinky flesh" piece as well, while I wasn't exactly sure how to, I wanted to let the reader know that she was slashed on her cheekbone due to a ring that the abuser wore, which caught the skin on her cheek and ripped along her cheekbone as he hit her.
Thank you again for your comments,and I will post a new passage within a couple of days!